buying your own flowers, or....

O.K. when I was a kid in the 50's, and thank you very much I don't really look like I am 55 at least from the neck up...below is none of your business, women did not buy themselves flowers.

Or so I thought.

Or perfume, or jewelry, or anything that a man should, and would, buy them.
As Marilyn sang, "diamonds are a girl's best friend " and Anita Loos made sure she never bought them, her lovers did. And Coco Chanel. She was liberated, introduced pants, and you can be sure others bought her diamonds and flowers and perfume.

So this is a wierd post feminist diatribe. I wanted my husband to bring me flowers. He would bring me chocolate, and cookies, and in the death throws of duplicity, would bring me cookies from a bakery where he had just come from hanging out with his syncophants, and girl hanger's on, and more. A tuille for a kiss. A shortbread for his hugs. And I, the fool thanked him for his crumbs. He meant well, and I was at the same time decieved, as was he. Move on.

I need to buy my own flowers, and chocolate, and perfume, and diamonds. I really hate to, I want men I know to be able to read my mind, bring me flowers and regress to the 50's. I don't think I should buy my own luxuries, and therein is the paradox. If I don't, who will? Treat yourself, and indulge yourself. Sleep in, indulge yourself as a friend said. Who else will tell you that?

Do men buy themselves flowers? I think, from recent postings that they have no trouble buying themselves toys, jewelry tools, golf clubs, sportboats, good for them. Women buy mom things, and house things. I left behind a washer and dryer for God's sake, an entire yard full of flowers I helped plant, and bricks I bought, and statues I was given. It hurts to see the yard. I did not get myself toys, I bought for the house. I bought for the family.

I had a fantasy that if I put money down at a florist, I could go every Friday and pick up $5 of flowers throughout the year and treat myself. I would love flowers in the home, and recently bought myself some. I had a friend coming over, flew to the store, bought wine, flowers, and threw all the clothes in the hamper. My daughter later in the week brought me flowers, and I adored them. But generally, I am on the shelf, waiting for them. Waiting for the call, the e-mail, the invitation to the movie, the implication and symbolism is large and clear.

So what if no one brings them? Will I never have them? Do I live a life without flowers?

Really, flowers in this context mean love. I have the love of my daughter. I rarely got flowers from anyone else, and they mean so much. I should tell people more, and they should get it. I got flowers from my husband during courting but then very few afterwards. If love to me is making a meal, and caring for the home, why can he not get that love is not big presents but flowers for $5 every Friday, not shortbread from the loose skirt doxy? I will promise to be more deliberate and hope the man gets it.

On to chocolate, lingerie, and diamonds.

Ditto diamonds, when I finally got that tennis bracelet, it was already tainted. I had wanted one in the worst way. I packed it up and will never wear it again. enough said.

I bought my own gold for my birthday, and love it. Do I wish that someone else would buy it for me? You bet I do, and I would want it purchased with fun, and love, and sex, and no strings, and not taint. But it ain't happening yet, and I needed new earrings. If I want my daughter to be a self actualizer, I should model the same thing; indeed, I have learned from her. She waits for no one for her shopping and taking care of herself.

Chocolate is over-rated in my mind as a gift. Touted in year old packages with a bloom of over- heating on it at Valentine's, it is not what I want. But, chocolate in home made packages from artisinal producers, from Mexico, from Africa, will fit the bill, I work in food. I don't want a mass produced bar, or tacky heart box. I want chocolate dripped, licked, rolled, dusted, and liquored. Get it. Or, I get my own, and that is the shift.

I buy my own flowers, I buy my own chocolate, and I buy my own lingerie. No more Costco brands for me, yes, I crossed the threshold of the famous Victorian and went for it. Always be prepared, the Girl Scout of lingerie, and waiting. Or not, but no longer a six-pac underwear gal.

Perfume falls into a shadow quality, if someone else buys it for you, it may not be likeable. And, it is impossible to wear perfume that is upsetting. However, luxurious lotion, and oils, are gifts to enjoy. Give me more. I do buy my own perfume, because I hated telling what I like, then they got it, then I was "surprised" with the gift. Learn me better, and get it right. I worked very hard especially when called upon that I was not attentive, to pick things that worked.

Yet, I got my "list'. It is hard to make a list that says, "notice me, pick me, choose me."

choose cookies, choose chocolate, choose tennis bracelets, choose......

So, I have a great perfume, it is arcane, it is multi-sexual, and designed in the 20's. Cary Grant and Ava Gardner both liked it, it is Italian, and reeks of the Riveria, Kathering Hepburn, Coco, and the Cote d'Azure. I have gone through three bottles since July. And, it is the last thing I charged; I am paying things off.

So, I buy myself flowers.

Take note, if you start to buy me some, be prepared for their significance, and don't take it lightly. Otherwise, I will reduce you to cookie crumbs, and pack away your gift, it is too painful to not be worthwhile. Sometime moving on means to face it, and take responsibility for mixed signals.