uberthinking

I think too damn much. Lately, I cannot turn off my head, and boy have I tried. I think on the way to work, listen to the radio and think at the same time. I teach and also check e-mail, visualize what the next class will be doing and project a mental map of activities for the rest of the day. I am doing five things at once, six classes a day, too many projects, and behind in anything. I avoid thinking by watching TV or reading, but I am not relaxed. I think at the end of a massage, what I will be doing in 15 minutes. And I over think my actions with friends, new friends, and midlife friends.

This is exhausting me. I am sleepwalking. I have tried meditation but I begin to think. What is the sound of a quiet mind? Beats me, I have a skitzo conversation with myself constantly.I have tried yoga, but by the time I get into position watching the limber gal on my DVD, I cannot focus through my narrow cool bifocals, and then begin to think if I am doing the pose right. The TV is on in the background, and like a personal ad where the visual news channel is also running a line item along the bottom: "man eats hot dog and dies" " government statistics are overrated", I have this blog typing going on while I listen to the inner city news in my background, across the room to the TV. I hear myself constructing sentences, and even have sentences, floating like a ghostly script through my consciousness, in my dreams. I can construct whole storylines, and not turn them off. I even see the letters, the layout, and hear the voice over. I am in a video movie and the enemy is me.

At three am the computer calls me because, well, I was thinking and woke up. Shivering in my pink p's, glasses off, one eye shielded from the glare after the dark, I check my mail. I type a little, check my spelling and typos and stumble back to bed, clutching the dogs like teddy bears. I begin to think again. It makes my shoulders hurt, and teeth, I now wear a mouth guard. I think about that too.

There are times I don't think but it is rare. Wine is no good, I am trying to not drink it and lose weight. I did for a while, but really, this is a habit I broke, and I do not want to start again. If wine is in the house, it calls as a siren relief from stress when I come home from work. But, I am trying to resist. If I could only stop up my mind with wax like Ulysses and his Siren sail-by, bind myself to the mast of relaxation and let the thoughts float away.

A new friend helped the other night, sensing my tenseness, my filling the space with words. And, now I worry that I was still thinking too much, lost in the silence of my mind and not acting out or expressing just what good time I was having. I was too worried what they would , THINK of me! This is truly neurotic. Or a throwback to middle school. I am an adult, I can act and not continue to debrief myself again and again about actions. But, I do not want to have lost an opportunity to grow because I think too much before, during, and after any event in my life.

Food metaphor, after all, it is a blog for food. Watched pots don't boil. More than that, over fiddling seizes the chocolate, dashes the souffle to sodden bits, and scources the sauce. Too much plating ruins a perfectly lovely dish, too much spice leaves no nuance. God, could I only apply that to my life at the moment instead of after the event.I am a delayed reaction, a sonic boom of my own mind. I want another chance. I want my mind to quiet, to relax, and to be in the moment, not in the synapse. Any suggestions, ship them there, but don't think too much, just send them.