lawyers no way, I need a mechanic! Mad Max indeed

In my upcoming,now,not next life, I will again like a little pack of covered wagons gather my friends around me. And I them.

What can I bring to the table, smarts, grace, good cooking, for the right person love and all its not friends with benefits but more, and ability to decorate, improvise, and use tools. For the women, whatever they need as my friends. For the men, I need skills: how to fix things I cannot, how to build fires, provide the more than friends benefits and be stand in brothers as mine are far away. And I need a mechanic. Really. I don't need a lawyer, I may need to know doctors, wait, I have one, but I certainly need a mechanic. Someone who can open the hood and tell me more than what I can figure out which is a reasonable amount.

In the old west or medieval times your horse was either ridden or lame. live or dead. fed or not. Now, I am driving a small computer on wheels and I just do not get what to do. My first car, a Pinto, seems dead simple to me; I could even find all the parts. But the damn check engine light came on again today as I was headed up into the mountains to meet a friend. It did this last week and I spend cash I had saved getting it fixed.

I hate like hell to inconvenience anyone, preferring taxis or leaving my car to pick ups at the airports unless I am convinced they truly want to do that. I try to take care of myself unless as I have said, I truly trust that they don't mind. I would do anything for anyone, but I hate to ask for help. Over the last year I learned to do that, to point out what I couldn't do for what I could. I deeply appreciate friends who come help me with my computer, my video, my plumbing, other things I don't know. And I feed them, and do what I can for pay back from my collective circled wagons of knowledge.

But I have two triggers I cannot control which scare me, one financial, and the other, car engines. I am getting better on the first, and the second trying to remind myself I am not dying, I simply have an engine light on. Years ago traveling in Scotland the BMW light came on and I was terrified for hours; riding with my father in law, and husband until they got to the hotel. My worrying put him over the top and he yelled at me; but really, I was scared we would crash, or catch on fire, it wasn't logical but there it was. They apologized later, but no one really knew why I was so upset. And a breach of sorts was created.

But it brings up all the fear; not logical but fear isn't. What it brings up is being alone, not having someone to call to help, not having someone to look under the hood. So, I called, cancelled the gathering, or at least my part, turned around and headed home. A day which loomed full of promise is now dark, soggy, and dreary. This is not fun. I am a prisoner of my self imposed retreat, feeling on top of htis hill adrift, and alone. Maybe in a few hours I will feel better, but I am not comfortable.

Now, everyone else, to my mind is having a blithe and happy day, somewhere, Casey, there is sun shining, hot dogs are grilling, and happy families cavort this Memorial Day weekend. Here is Mudville there is no mirth, some caffiene and one glass of wine left. I am going to sulk for a bit and then try to get involved in a project to keep busy. Bur darn it, that check engine light has reached huge proportions in my mind and like a karmic slap in the face, feels like I have been yanked back from fun.

So, I do need a mechanic, anyone out there?