translucency

Translucency means to see slightly through, like wax paper, ice, and frosted glass. I am to saute onions until translucent, make jelly which is translucent, and melt butter until the bottom of the pan slightly shows through. The onions should change a bit, from opaque white or red to a waxy color which shows light through. Ice allows light to pass through, but is not transparent until it is no longer ice, but water. Frosted glass is permanent, harsh action of chemicals or sanding keeps it forever in that state.

We are told to be transparent, to be open with our feelings and emotions in relationships. Financial accountants prove transparency when audits happen. Transparency is needed for glass, for honesty, for emotions, and emotional bonding.Or is it?

I have used parchment paper, and drafting paper to trace lines from logos in my graphic design work. The advantage of parchment is its high quality, ability to erase, and yet reveal the darker lines of the sketch underneath. And, some of my past drawings have layers upon layers of parchment on them, with subtle changes as I worked through my design. I can keep track of my work, rather than erase, I can build upon changes. Pentimento is the term for the regret, which an artist or writer has when one erases too much yet the ghost of the lines are still there. I like layers rather than erasing.

I have found recently that relationships I have been in are layers of parchment. The older have faded certainly, it is only in the flip book of review that I see my first self. And recent loves are fading as potentials, friends, and futures begin to layer my memories. The terrible longing and sadness is being replaced with a wry humor, a sense of melancholy of regret, and a beginning return to some happiness. But I don't think I will be ever truly happy, just as Jane Eyre said, " We will work hard and we will be content." I hope I am wrong, but this is my state right now.

In cooking, translucency is a desired state, and needs little explaining. The onions for example, are either raw; opaque, or translucent, or cooked until browned and caramelilzed. I love sauting onions and don't even think about the term translucent anymore, and must remember to put it into recipes when I write them for the public.

But, is transparency a true state for relationships? Should we reveal everything? At what point? I like translucency, with the ability to peel back a bit at a time to the underpinnings, to the first sketch of myself, at a time I choose. But here's the care, if I try to change too much, or build upon layers of the relationship I might even forget myself in the cause. I may become hidden under several layers of parchment. So, it is a paradox, reveal just enough, keep hidden what is needed, and don't lose your way. I don't want to melt, and I do not want to be so sanded that I stay forever translucent. I just want the choice, and to remember to be my own recipe.

And someone to rip the pages off to the bone.